Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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