Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
