I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
