bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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