i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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