thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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