Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
