I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
