dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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