my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
