mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
