I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
