i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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