I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
