I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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