its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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