booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
