I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
