i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
