i think my tv is drunk
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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