Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
