I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
