I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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