Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
