My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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