Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
