I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
