What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
