my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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