Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
