just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
