she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Someone signed my nipple.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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