I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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