my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
