What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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