And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
