She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
