if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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