She's JV to your varsity
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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