Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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