why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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