Dude my mom stole all your condoms
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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