According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
