Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
