genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
