I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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