My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
