Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
