Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
