I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
